From a newsletter from Martha Borst)
We left off with Lancelot pondering the predicament of: "During the day, did he want a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments.
What would YOU do?"
Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now of course the joke ending is:
"If you don't let a woman have her own way, things will get ugly!"
But a more enlightened quote might be . . .
"Only those who respect the personality of others can be of real use to them"
There is a lot of wisdom in Lancelot's decision. When we try to manipulate or control others, overtly or covertly, women or men; thinking that we know what is best for them better than they do, inevitably things will backfire. No one likes to be "told" what to do. No wants to work for or live with someone who doesn't respect their right and ability to make good decisions. This is most especially true for children. How do they learn if others make decisions for them?
Perhaps a more effective approach with children would be to help them sort out the choices in front of them. Discuss the pros and cons of each decision and then allow them to make their own choices. They will either reap the rewards or pay the consequences. If they fail, acknowledge them for being willing to take a step and simply ask them what they learned.
With a spouse or a friend, perhaps what is more empowering than our judgments and criticisms or our attempts to persuade them in a direction we think they should take, would be to help them sort through their options (if they are willing to do so), and tell them you trust they will make the right choice for them. Don't offer unwanted advice or tell them what they should do. After all, it is their life, not yours. If they fail, then stand beside them and let them know you believe in them. Tell them "It'll be better next time." Simply give them your support and never say, "I told you so."
The same is true for employees. Clearly, if you're in a leadership position, you have a greater right to determine what the choices are and sometimes it's "do the job as required or leave." But otherwise, it's been my experience that many times, my employees saw choices I never did, (I always tried to hire people who were smarter then I), and I was often impressed by their decisions.
When you truly respect someone, then you respect their ability to not only make their own decisions, but you also trust their ability to recover from any mistakes made, learn the lesson and move on.
Amazing things happen when people know they are completely supported to make a free choice. Have a great weekend!
-Albert Schweitzer
There is a lot of wisdom in Lancelot's decision. When we try to manipulate or control others, overtly or covertly, women or men; thinking that we know what is best for them better than they do, inevitably things will backfire. No one likes to be "told" what to do. No wants to work for or live with someone who doesn't respect their right and ability to make good decisions. This is most especially true for children. How do they learn if others make decisions for them?
Perhaps a more effective approach with children would be to help them sort out the choices in front of them. Discuss the pros and cons of each decision and then allow them to make their own choices. They will either reap the rewards or pay the consequences. If they fail, acknowledge them for being willing to take a step and simply ask them what they learned.
With a spouse or a friend, perhaps what is more empowering than our judgments and criticisms or our attempts to persuade them in a direction we think they should take, would be to help them sort through their options (if they are willing to do so), and tell them you trust they will make the right choice for them. Don't offer unwanted advice or tell them what they should do. After all, it is their life, not yours. If they fail, then stand beside them and let them know you believe in them. Tell them "It'll be better next time." Simply give them your support and never say, "I told you so."
The same is true for employees. Clearly, if you're in a leadership position, you have a greater right to determine what the choices are and sometimes it's "do the job as required or leave." But otherwise, it's been my experience that many times, my employees saw choices I never did, (I always tried to hire people who were smarter then I), and I was often impressed by their decisions.
When you truly respect someone, then you respect their ability to not only make their own decisions, but you also trust their ability to recover from any mistakes made, learn the lesson and move on.
Amazing things happen when people know they are completely supported to make a free choice. Have a great weekend!
